I Will Never Forget
by Mark of a Raven
Summary: Baralai x Yuna. A songfiction, Yellowcard's Inside Out. OneShot. R&R, please!


_Here. A little sympathy for you to waste on me  
I know you're faking it but that's okay  
And I don't want to drag it out  
Don't want to bring you down  
I never wanted it to end this way_

She was driving me crazy. And that has to be saying something. I dealt with priests had no more self-guidance abilities then babies, had held a political party together when the Youth League attacked incessantly, and had gone through rigorous Crimson Squad exercises, all maintaining a cool head. She, however, was making me crazy. Wacko. Insane. Making me jump off the deep end. I was hopelessly, desperately, insanely in love with her, and she couldn't, or wouldn't look my way. I know she fell in love with this elusive _him_. And that _he_ disappeared when Sin was defeated. But why did that have to mean she could never love again? She humors me. She doesn't want to hurt me, so she lets me fall in love with her. And I don't want to keep going on like this. I'm sinking and I'm trying to drag her with me. I didn't want it to end this way.__

Even if I wanted to  
I don't think that I'd get to you  
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again.

I can't do a damn thing to help her. She stays with her friends, they warm her, make her happy. But when she goes to sleep at night, I can see it in her eyes. The pain, the love, the fact that it's me that is there to hold her at night, not _him_. I know what she does to herself, how she forces herself into a numb, almost dreamlike state so she can't feel these emotions storm around inside her, tear her apart. And it's funny, because I wish that I could do that. Could force myself not to feel emotion when I pour all I have into a kiss and still can't warm her heart. Still can't bring her back to life.__

Here. A little jealousy  
I hope you think of me  
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night  
Cause I feel like I'm inside out  
You got me upside down  
Maybe I was holding on too tight

And it's crazy. I'm jealous of Rikku, of Paine. I'm jealous of the fact that they can make her laugh, can make her happy, when I can barely make her smile. I'm jealous of Wakka, of Lulu. I can see that she loves them, that she softens herself for them, becomes genuine. I'm jealous of Brother and his ability to love her from afar, never wanting more than her friendship and to be able to admire her. And damnit, I'm jealous of Nooj and Gippal. Nooj fell for Paine, Gippal for Rikku. Those two women love their men without complaint, without insecurities. They are genuine in their kisses. Whenever their men pour their heart and soul into a kiss, you can bet the feeling is reciprocated. Sometimes, I find myself lying awake in the bed, my back to you. I know you know I'm awake. And somehow, I know you're awake, too. I find myself hoping, praying you'll say something. Ask me what I'm thinking. Ask me where I wander in my dreams. I hate that I hope for these things because every time I'm let down. I feel like I'm holding my heart on my sleeve, like I'm open to you. And you never come to me, never warm the hear that's freezing in the bitter cold. I'm going crazy for you, but maybe…maybe that's the problem. Maybe I want you too much. Is that healthy?__

Even if I wanted to  
I don't think that I'd get to you  
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again

So don't just say goodbye to me  
Just turn your back away and leave  
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend.

I want, so desperately, to know what the magic words are. The words that will make you come alive, will make you able to love me. They aren't 'I love you.' When I told you that, you smiled sadly and turned away from me, changed the subject. That ripped me to pieces. So now I want you not even to say goodbye. I want you to walk away from me, never looking back to see my heart being shredded. Then I'll be the last thing you regret. But I'll also be the only one in Spira that loves you as a lover should. I won't regret it. I'll want to make you happy. But it will still tear me apart. Tears will fall like shattered glass, but I'll just smile and say, "I'm fine, just fine," and keep moving with life.__

The two of us we dream like one  
The two of us, the two of us  
The two of us take breath like one  
The two of us, the two of us  


Maybe you don't know it, but I do. I know that our dreams cross paths when we sleep. I know that we drift together in that strange dimension that our dreams take us. And I know that our breathing is like one single motion. Breath in, breath out. In, out. In, out. In an endless pattern that I could listen to and feel forever. But if I did…it would kill me. Because you'll never know. You'll never listen to our heartbeats and think, 'This is beautiful, this is magic.' You'll never love me back. And I think I've finally come to realize and accept this. Well, not accept it. But understand it.__

I guess that this is over now  
I guess it's called the falling out  
But everyday I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in

I left. I had to, it would have killed me. Killed me to stay in the same bed with you at night, killed me trying not to touch you and pull you close, to kiss you and say I love you. To beg you to say the same. But now that I've moved out, now that I'm back to living in Bevelle, I realize I have to relearn how to live without you. It's crazy and masochistic, the way I let myself get hurt and beat up and torn up over you and yet still loved you, still harbored some hope that maybe, just maybe, you'd love me back. When you had made it clear through all the words you'd never said that you'd never love me. That you cared about me, but you couldn't love me, couldn't hold me as lover. But now I have to learn how to go on without you there. How to not compare every woman to you. And I still will sit back in my desk sometimes and find myself imagining your face when things are hard. Because you're still, in the sickest way possible, a comfort to me.__

Even if I wanted to  
I don't think that I'd get to you  
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again

So don't just say goodbye to me  
Just turn your back away and leave  
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend

Don't come looking for me. Don't come to say goodbye, don't come to say you're sorry. Just don't. Because then I'll just want you more. I'll remember even clearer how you always worried about other people's feelings, how you never wanted to hurt me. How you let me go on loving you, how I let myself go on loving you. How I failed in trying to make you come alive again. I failed you, I failed myself. I know that's why we came together to begin with. You wanted someone who could make you feel love again. I couldn't be that someone. So I'm sorry. Now turn around and leave. Don't look back, try to forget our memories. Try to forget me and your regrets. Try to forget that I'm the only one in Spira that loves you like _he_ did. No. Just forget me and keep walking.

But I will never forget.


End file.
